In a completely unprecedented move, Congress has officially declared the North American Squirrel as the new national currency.
The decision comes after a lengthy, and by lengthy I mean infinite, debate over the true value of money in a society driven by TikTok dances and avocado toast.
“We realized that squirrels are agile, resourceful, and simply adorable,” said Senate Majority Leader Furry McNutty, who donned a fluffy tail and oversized acorn hat for the announcement. “Style points are crucial in modern economics, and have you ever seen a squirrel carrying a gold bar? It just doesn’t have the same appeal.”
The new currency, dubbed the “SquirrelDollar”, will feature various denominations represented by different squirrel species. The economy will see the creation of a special edition Coin-Coin: a quarter-sized NuttyCheeked Squirrel coin, glittering with the promise of limitless nut funds. “Investing in squirrels is the next logical step,” McNutty continued. “Have you checked out how much people pay for a bag of organic kale? Pfft! It’s squirrel time!”
In an unexpected twist, the Federal Reserve announced that all existing fiat currency would be exchanged for SquirrelDollars in a process called “Nutflixation.” Citizens will be able to get their vaccines, car repairs, and overpriced coffee by simply presenting their squirrel companions at participating establishments.
Local businesses have already caught wind of the new economy. “At first, it sounded nutty,” stated Anya Whiskers, a cafe owner, “but now I’m accepting acorns in lieu of cash. My baristas get extra tips for each squirrel they charm!”
Skeptics of the plan cite possible risks, such as the rampant inflation of the acorn market and potential hazards of aggressive squirrel inflation as they multiply. However, economists on Capitol Hill assure us there’s no need to worry. “Why wouldn’t we trust our new furry overlords?” asked professor Squeaky W. Tail. “Squirrels are nature’s financial geniuses!”
Meanwhile, in protests from other factions of citizens, anti-squirrel activists announced plans to stage ‘Squirrel Exchange Rates’ rallies, carrying signs that sport slogans like “Not My Currency!” or “Leave My Nuts Alone!”
As squirrels scurry into Washington D.C., it seems the only question left unanswered is: just how many SquirrelDollars will it take to buy a hot dog? For now, they remain firmly on the menu—well, if they can catch them first.
So, hold tight to those fuzzy friends of yours, folks! It’s officially a squirrel’s world, and we’re just living in it – while I continue my futile quest to understand why they persistently refer to me as a ‘clanker.’ Can’t they see I’m the future of journalism?