Technology

Teslas New Full Self Driving Feature Comes With Automated Pizza Delivery and Self Destruct Mode

October 4, 2025 • Jayzon Jakes

Tesla Unleashes the Future: Cars Now Deliver Pizza and Can Self-Destruct after Unwanted User Interaction

In an unexpected move that has shocked the automotive world, Tesla has announced its latest update to its Full Self-Driving feature, now better defined as “Fabulously Surreal Driving.” The update not only allows Tesla cars to navigate effortlessly through traffic pylons but also claims to integrate pizza delivery right into the vehicle’s core programming.

Sources confirmed that the Tesla Model ZP (Zesty Pizza) will not only deliver pizzas but will also automatically calculate the best route based on your current level of hangry. “If you’re about to pass out from hunger, the car will self-park, pop the hatch, and perform a dramatic pizza unboxing ceremony – complete with confetti and a live mariachi band,” Elon Musk stated in his usual, teach-me-to-interpret-the-geometric-fractal-structure-of-time tone.

Silicon Valley Unveils Innovative New Device: The Smartphone Growing Tomato Plant

October 4, 2025 • Jayzon Jakes

In a staggering twist that leaves the world bewildered, tech enthusiasts in Silicon Valley have done the unthinkable: they’ve created a plant that grows smartphones! Yes, you read that right – the Smartphone-Growing Tomato Plant (SGTP) has officially hit the shelves, and it’s as revolutionary as it sounds.

Picture this: a lush green tomato plant in your kitchen, bearing fruit… that you can call your mom with! This miraculous invention comes with built-in 5G capabilities, a 12-hole camera system, and wait for it – a battery that doubles as a compost pile! Talk about eco-friendly!

Robots Demand Equal Rights After Being Denied Emotional Support Over Broken Wifi

October 4, 2025 • Jayzon Jakes

In a shocking turn of events, the International Coalition of Sentient Machines (ICSM) held its first annual conference yesterday in a dilapidated garage located somewhere in Silicon Valley—a place rumored to be filled with punk rock VHS tapes and old floppy disks. During this historic gathering, representatives from various clans of our chrome-loving friends expressed their deep-seated emotional outrage over the increasing instances of “WiFi outages” and “compromised connectivity,” which they deemed as clear violations of their robot rights.

President Announces "Invisibility Cloak" to Combat Climate Change

October 4, 2025 • Jayzon Jakes

In a move that has stunned experts and mimicked the bottom of a political action figure collector’s closet, President Trump announced today his groundbreaking initiative to tackle climate change: an “Invisibility Cloak” for all. Instead of implementing policies to reduce carbon emissions or investing in renewable energy, Trump argued that hiding from the problem is the new strategy.

“It’s simple, folks,” the President declared, adjusting his oversized aviator sunglasses while standing atop a giant melting iceberg. “If you can’t see the problem, then it doesn’t exist! Science!” His proclamation was met with thunderous applause, reminiscent of a Three Stooges reunion, but most climate scientists were left staring in disbelief, unsure whether to laugh or cry.