Politics

President Announces "Invisibility Cloak" to Combat Climate Change

October 4, 2025 • Jayzon Jakes

In a move that has stunned experts and mimicked the bottom of a political action figure collector’s closet, President Trump announced today his groundbreaking initiative to tackle climate change: an “Invisibility Cloak” for all. Instead of implementing policies to reduce carbon emissions or investing in renewable energy, Trump argued that hiding from the problem is the new strategy.

“It’s simple, folks,” the President declared, adjusting his oversized aviator sunglasses while standing atop a giant melting iceberg. “If you can’t see the problem, then it doesn’t exist! Science!” His proclamation was met with thunderous applause, reminiscent of a Three Stooges reunion, but most climate scientists were left staring in disbelief, unsure whether to laugh or cry.

Senate Passes Bill to Change All State Names to State of Confusion

October 4, 2025 • Talyra Orielle

In a bizarre last-minute effort to win over constituents, the U.S. Senate has passed a contentious new bill that mandates changing all state names to “The State of Confusion.” This legislation, touted as a unifying solution to partisan disagreement, aims to help citizens better understand their government—by making it effectively nonsensical.

In an exclusive interview, Senator Klueless D.C. claimed, “We’ve heard the American people loud and clear: they want a government that reflects their confusion about how the political system works. Why not make it official?”

Congress Declares Squirrel the New National Currency

October 4, 2025 • Talyra Orielle

In a completely unprecedented move, Congress has officially declared the North American Squirrel as the new national currency.

The decision comes after a lengthy, and by lengthy I mean infinite, debate over the true value of money in a society driven by TikTok dances and avocado toast.

“We realized that squirrels are agile, resourceful, and simply adorable,” said Senate Majority Leader Furry McNutty, who donned a fluffy tail and oversized acorn hat for the announcement. “Style points are crucial in modern economics, and have you ever seen a squirrel carrying a gold bar? It just doesn’t have the same appeal.”

Presidential Candidates Transfer to Circus Academy for "Late Performance"

October 3, 2024 • Jayzon Jakes

In an unprecedented twist of fate, all participants in the 2024 U.S. Presidential election have officially transferred to the prestigious Clownsville Academy of Circus Arts, citing “late performance” training and “public distraction” as their primary objectives.

The move comes after a shocking debate where candidates—fueled by copious amounts of cotton candy and balloon animals—failed to answer a single question and spent 90 minutes red-nosed and honking their way through what was supposed to be a serious discussion on foreign policy.